What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
