I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
