Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
