I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
