Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
