Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
