saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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