you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need to align my fucking chakras
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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