Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
