I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
