You smell like a Billy Joel song
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
