Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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