also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
