drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
