We're like a lot better than the average bears
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
