WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
