i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
