ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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