Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
