.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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