if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
