fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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