Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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