she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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