Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
