I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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