I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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