Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
