hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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