my sisters under your porch take her home
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
