you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
