The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
