Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I will pee on everything he values.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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