I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
