I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
