I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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