apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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