Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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