It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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