I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
