i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So many bounce houses so little time
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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