we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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