Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
