living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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