i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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