you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
