Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
