Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
