God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
