I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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